I'd just like to thank everyone who sent me their love and thoughts over the past couple of days. They haven't been that great. I honestly thought I had a good shot at it and just felt so right about it. I guess I was wrong to keep my hopes up. Unfortunately the letter they sent was pretty vague, which means that there was nothing specific to as why I didn't get in. I'm going to try and find out why, but I won't hold my breath.
I keep going back and forth between emotions. Part of me is OK and knows I can try next year for the 2009/2010 course. But there's this other part of me that just feels like an utter failure and feels like I've let so many people down. For those of you who have known me on here for a long while know that mum and I haven't had it all that easy over the past few years, so I finally thought this was my shot at moving on with my life. To finally start something new. I partially feel ashamed as well, because I know that all my friends from high school and some co-workers I've know for a few years have gone through school and are now graduated. They're starting their lives and I feel left behind.
I think one of the worst things is that I put so much into this portfolio and tried so hard and now I can't even look at it because all I see at the moment is failure. Yes, I know that sounds a bit over dramatic, but for the moment it's true. I think I just need some time to process and digest it. I know my feelings about this will change in time and I may not be as hard on myself. Hell, it's only been two days.
Having said all this I do have some options. There's a ten week certificate course I can take over the summer that is like a mini version of the course I applied to, but unfortunately I cannot afford to take that much time off of work. I'd loose my benefits and there's no way I'd be able to pay the bills. With mum on temporary disability her income isn't as good as it was and we're barely scraping by as it is. There is one option is to get a loan from the bank, but I don't know if they'd give a student loan that small. The course itself is about $2000 and then I'd need about $1500-2000 for living expenses. I already know I can't get a regular loan because of the one I tried to get a few months ago and got shot down for that. What I may be able to do is do one or two weeks of the ten week course. I have some vacation hours and I can use them to fill the void for a week or two. There is a course I can take in the fall over 8 weeks or something like that, so I already know I'm going to do that.
Dad and I had a fight over it earlier today and I just ended up having a breakdown. Mum had to try and keep me quiet because I was ranting and screaming kinda loud. Dad doesn't get how tight our money is and thinks I'm just making excuses not to do this summer program. I know he means well and he loves me, but he just doesn't understand. He has a habit of wanting to help and give advice, but in the process make you feel like a total shit and failure. We're going to talk and I'm going to try and make him realize that even with cutting costs and everything it's just not feasible with the way things are at the moment. I mean I'll still try, but sometimes things cannot be worked in your favour.
I took yesterday off of work because I just couldn't put on my 'happy face' and deal with customers. I had to go to the mall and mail something and mum took me for dinner at the food court and then some window shopping. We met a nice parrot in the pet shop named Pidge and he could meow like a cat. I think he has an identity crisis.
Speaking of cats there is one little bright spot that happened to mum and me. We got a flier in the mail earlier this week about a new vet office opening up and they were having an open house and giving out free examinations and vaccinations. How awesome is that? Moe and Tinkerbell were due for their shots and we've been worrying about it because we couldn't afford another vet visit and vaccination. I only had to work in the morning so mum (but some god given miracle) was able to get BOTH of them in their carriers and in the car to take them to the vets. How cool is that? Poor Moe was freaked out, but he got his boosters and rabies shot. Tinkerbell didn't get her shots because the vet didn't want to give them to her because her abscess was still healing. She did give her a shot of antibiotics and some more drops to put on to get rid of it. We bring her back in a week or so to get her booster shots and the vet said since we couldn't get the free vaccination today she'll give them on the house next time. Even though I had to pay $80 for a free visit it was still a great deal.
Tomorrow mum and I may see a movie or may not. We're debating between Iron Man
if we do go out.
Tonight I was lazy and mopy and I ordered pizza and watched the first X-Files
movie. I hadn't watched it in so long and gah! Love them. It was the first movie I ever saw more than two times in the theatres. And I totally forgot that Locke was in it and went Boom!
I also realized that my birthday is in less than a month. o.O I've been so wrapped up in everything that I'd forgotten. *cough*wishlist
Oh, and Who would you ship me with?