Bunny Love

I almost died at dinner last night. No joke. Ok, maybe not die died, but on my way to something pretty bad. Dad took mum and I out for sushi last night and as I was chowing down on some rice a big glob of it got stuck in my throat. You know how food can go down wrong or get stuck then all you have to do is drink something or eat a little piece to make it go down. This time it wouldn't and for a few seconds it was pretty scary, I was gasping for breath and my dad was about two seconds away from getting up and doing the Heimlich on me. I took a swig of green tea because the waitress took so long getting a glass of water for me to help, and that made it worse, but I guess it did help in a way, because seconds later I up-chucked the rice right into my dish. Thankfully my whole dinner didn't come with it, because that would have been even more embarrassing.

There's a tattoo of mine that I've been wanting to cover up for a while now and I think I've finally thought of an idea that I would really like to have done. I just have to draw it up or get a photo and add to it. Basically I thought I'd get Tinkerbell (the fairy) but with a few moderations to make it more personal and such.

It's been so hot out lately. I'm loving the sun, but not the heat. I'm not a heat type of person. Neither are the kitties.

Guess who needs glasses?! Meeeeeeeeee! Not full on prescription glasses, just readers when I'm working. My eye doctor said that since I work on a computer all day that my eyes are working hard and need some help, so now I have a low level pair of reading glasses. I have to get a new pair though, because these are just on loan from the doctor's, but so far things are easier to read.

The drops in my eyes haven't worn off quite, so when I was in the washroom it looks like I'm on some kinda cocaine high or caffeine high my pupils are so big. :P

Almost six years later (holy shit, six years?!?!?!) it comes as no real shock that God will still get my money. Although, this is just the theatrical cuts, I think I'd like to have the EE on blu-ray instead.

I'm going to echo a few people on my FL and say 'Don't judge a book by it's cover'. If you haven't watched this video of this 47 year old woman sing on Britain's Got Talent, you should. She has a beautiful voice and she deserves all the things that go with it. It does make me sad that society would automatically dismiss this woman solely based on her looks, but she does has this inner beauty and I'm glad that we got to see that. Talent just isn't in the "pretty" people.

Mum and I are moving in a couple of weeks and the anxiety attacks are already starting. Oh joy. I'm sure I'll be alright after I get through all this, but for the moment it's like omgsomuchtodowtfbbq?!?!?!

( Small LOST spoiler for tonight's episode... )

( Just some thoughts about Dollhouse (small spoilers) )

I had a dream that I was totally going to do it with Michael Weatherly this morning and it was a nice clear dream, where I can remember almost perfectly what happened. ANYWAY! Things were getting hot and heavy and he was just taking his shirt off and then.... *poke, poke, poke* Tinkerbell wanted treats. Fuckses. *headdesk*

( Some thoughts about Castle )

Mum and I may have found a new place, we're going over there tomorrow night to look at it again and talk stuff over. I like the place a lot, the kitchen is gorgeous and just so nice, the only bad part is that one of the bedrooms is so tiny and doesn't even have a closet. We'd have to get one of those closets from like Ikea or somewhere and keep it in the dining room or something. Another good thing about the place is that almost everything is included, the only thing extra we would have to pay for is our TV and phone for the month.

Happy 31st Birthday, Jensen. Stay sexy.

It's official. Mum and I are moving. Our land lord came by last night and ran some options by us. If we really wanted to stay the rent would be $200 higher and then there wouldn't be a guarantee that we would stay here if our land lord didn't get this place re-mortgaged. The place isn't really worth $200 more, because nothing is included and from poking around the ads and on craigs ist we could find a place with almost the same asking price and have everything or most of everything included. It feels like it's time to move on, we could may be get something a bit bigger or something more modern. My room is like a closet, my bed fits in and then I have about three feet of room between the foot and left side of my bed to move around in. My closet is barely three feet wide and I just have clothes piled everywhere because I can't fit it all in there. I have boxes and boxes of books, because there are no shelves to put them on. I want somewhere I can put some of my Sideshow LOTR statues on display, my fairies and books. I'm not asking for huge, but just bigger. Mum's room isn't much better, even though her closet is about twice as big as mine.

Moving sucks, but at the same time our landlord is giving us until the end of May, which is really nice. It will give us time to go through everything and just throw stuff out or give it away. A lot of stuff I don't see or need anymore, so it's going to SPCA thrift store or the Salvation Army. Legally my landlord could say out by the end of April, but he's giving us an extra month or he also said that we could stay until the end of July, but we'd have to start paying the new higher rent. This option saves us a little money and hopefully we'll be able to afford an actual moving company.

Honestly I won't miss this place a whole lot, but I will miss the backyard and the animals. My heart literally hurts to leave them, but I know that we cannot stay here forever. Other than that? Yeah, bye, bye.

I was able to watch the latest BSG last night ( Thoughts about Starbuck... spoilery to the latest episode )

Yesterday I took the bus down to the mall to visit mum at her new job. I think it was a nice surprise for her, it's been a rough week. Starting a new job and then finding out your landlord wants you out/raising the rent is pretty stressful. I think she's doing alright. She's just still super paranoid that something will happen, but I tell her not to worry about it.

I was able to find a sweet deal at HMV, they usually have their mix and match DVD deals, like two for $20 or whatever. I had a gift card from Christmas and I was able to score Repo! The Genetic Opera and Boondock Saints on Blu-ray for $40!!! I only had to pay $10 out of my pocket. Nice. :D

Again a big thank you to everyone who has given me love and support the past few days/weeks. December is shaping up to be crappy, but whatever. We'll make it work somehow. Apparently the mortgage people are coming tomorrow morning, so we do have al little more time.

My landlord did apologize to me yesterday for upsetting me, which was nice. In his defence he is under a whole lot of pressure since they gave him the OK in the summer for all this stuff, but now with the economy tanking all over they've turned around and said no, just made it that much harder to get funding ect. So that's what's got him so freaked out and he kinda was taking it out on us. He is a nice man, he even put a little wooden ramp out mum's window for the kitties to come and go down yesterday, so when mum and I saw that we were touched he thought of them. Still not comfortable with what he said and he shouldn't have said it, but mum may talk to him when he all this is said and done. We're not taking any action at the moment because we don't know what's going to happen - if anything. Until we do then mum and I will make a decision.

I spent the afternoon at dads again yesterday while he was at our place doing stuff outside. I didn't want to be alone with him there.

Thanks again guys, it means a lot and it helps to blow of steam here (that's partly what journals are for anyway, so yeah).

Ok, really. This isn't funny. The car won't start and my dad's here trying to jump it... and yeah. Nothing. Of course this would happen right now with what's been going on. All I can do now is just laugh. I'm thinking I need some alcohol and chocolate. :P

Oh, and Tinkerbell Knob Cat's head is knobular, but she caught a bird today (we saved it) and is eating and drinking fine, so she's alright.

Our landlord is here ripping up our bathroom floor because there's water leaking from somewhere. He's been here for about 5 hours now and all I want to do is hide in the living room. So much for getting stuff done today. :( I'm watching the opening ceremonies from Beijing and thinking Vancouver's ass has been kicked and our Olympics are still 2 years away. :P

Mum's in bad shape today, she had her first physio appointment yesterday and now her knee is just killing her, so she's currently in a nice drug induced state on my bed. The bathroom's right next to her room, but she doesn't want to next to all the noise.

I've finished season 2 of Torchwood and cried. :( And now I'm about a third through Doctor Who season 4. a;lsdkjf;alsdkjf Mum and I watched Forest of the Dead last night. Gah! So good and so confusing.

In a little less than 48 hours I will be here. *falls over* See that deck? That's where my ass is going to planted for three days. :P

[eta] THERE IS A BEE THE SIZE OF A BOEING 747 IN HERE!!!!! *HIDEZ*

It's looking like some part of the universe is really trying to prevent me from going to school this summer. This time it isn't the money issue that is preventing it, it's work. My manager and the district manager (I hate her) were in all day today doing admin stuff and we just causally brought up the subject of vacation time during the summer. I told them I'm probably going to be taking some summer classes and will need about three weeks off, my district manager said that will probably not be possible because it's just too much time. It took every ounce of will power to not burst into tears right then and there. Although a small consolation is that I'm not the only one, she's not going to approve anyone that wants large amounts of vacation time as well. I'm still not 100% sure if I am taking the courses because dad and I have to visit the credit union to see about a loan (we couldn't go in on Tuesday because of a mix-up), but still if I do get the loan then it may be a whole waste of time.

I'm still going to pursue school this summer, don't get me wrong. I wont give it up until I've exhausted all my resources.

I just. God. I'm honestly ready to snap or just lose it. I'm not kidding, I'm just so sick of shit having all this catch 22 bullshit. I just want to take a small chunk of time off to take a class that can help my future. Why is that so difficult? Why am I not allowed do this? If there is something else in the cards for me then I hope it comes around soon. My chest hurts just thinking about all this. My manager said we'll talk next week about all this, so maybe something will happen. She said maybe I can get away with just working one day a week. That's not the fucking point. I want some time off work as well. I haven't had a vacation in over three years. The most time I've ever taken off of work (aside from being sick) is a week or less. I need a break. I just need a mother fucking break.

I'd just like to thank everyone who sent me their love and thoughts over the past couple of days. They haven't been that great. I honestly thought I had a good shot at it and just felt so right about it. I guess I was wrong to keep my hopes up. Unfortunately the letter they sent was pretty vague, which means that there was nothing specific to as why I didn't get in. I'm going to try and find out why, but I won't hold my breath.

I keep going back and forth between emotions. Part of me is OK and knows I can try next year for the 2009/2010 course. But there's this other part of me that just feels like an utter failure and feels like I've let so many people down. For those of you who have known me on here for a long while know that mum and I haven't had it all that easy over the past few years, so I finally thought this was my shot at moving on with my life. To finally start something new. I partially feel ashamed as well, because I know that all my friends from high school and some co-workers I've know for a few years have gone through school and are now graduated. They're starting their lives and I feel left behind.

I think one of the worst things is that I put so much into this portfolio and tried so hard and now I can't even look at it because all I see at the moment is failure. Yes, I know that sounds a bit over dramatic, but for the moment it's true. I think I just need some time to process and digest it. I know my feelings about this will change in time and I may not be as hard on myself. Hell, it's only been two days.

Having said all this I do have some options. There's a ten week certificate course I can take over the summer that is like a mini version of the course I applied to, but unfortunately I cannot afford to take that much time off of work. I'd loose my benefits and there's no way I'd be able to pay the bills. With mum on temporary disability her income isn't as good as it was and we're barely scraping by as it is. There is one option is to get a loan from the bank, but I don't know if they'd give a student loan that small. The course itself is about $2000 and then I'd need about $1500-2000 for living expenses. I already know I can't get a regular loan because of the one I tried to get a few months ago and got shot down for that. What I may be able to do is do one or two weeks of the ten week course. I have some vacation hours and I can use them to fill the void for a week or two. There is a course I can take in the fall over 8 weeks or something like that, so I already know I'm going to do that.

Dad and I had a fight over it earlier today and I just ended up having a breakdown. Mum had to try and keep me quiet because I was ranting and screaming kinda loud. Dad doesn't get how tight our money is and thinks I'm just making excuses not to do this summer program. I know he means well and he loves me, but he just doesn't understand. He has a habit of wanting to help and give advice, but in the process make you feel like a total shit and failure. We're going to talk and I'm going to try and make him realize that even with cutting costs and everything it's just not feasible with the way things are at the moment. I mean I'll still try, but sometimes things cannot be worked in your favour.

I took yesterday off of work because I just couldn't put on my 'happy face' and deal with customers. I had to go to the mall and mail something and mum took me for dinner at the food court and then some window shopping. We met a nice parrot in the pet shop named Pidge and he could meow like a cat. I think he has an identity crisis.

Speaking of cats there is one little bright spot that happened to mum and me. We got a flier in the mail earlier this week about a new vet office opening up and they were having an open house and giving out free examinations and vaccinations. How awesome is that? Moe and Tinkerbell were due for their shots and we've been worrying about it because we couldn't afford another vet visit and vaccination. I only had to work in the morning so mum (but some god given miracle) was able to get BOTH of them in their carriers and in the car to take them to the vets. How cool is that? Poor Moe was freaked out, but he got his boosters and rabies shot. Tinkerbell didn't get her shots because the vet didn't want to give them to her because her abscess was still healing. She did give her a shot of antibiotics and some more drops to put on to get rid of it. We bring her back in a week or so to get her booster shots and the vet said since we couldn't get the free vaccination today she'll give them on the house next time. Even though I had to pay $80 for a free visit it was still a great deal.

Tomorrow mum and I may see a movie or may not. We're debating between Iron Man or Indy if we do go out.

Tonight I was lazy and mopy and I ordered pizza and watched the first X-Files movie. I hadn't watched it in so long and gah! Love them. It was the first movie I ever saw more than two times in the theatres. And I totally forgot that Locke was in it and went Boom!

I also realized that my birthday is in less than a month. o.O I've been so wrapped up in everything that I'd forgotten. *cough*wishlist*cough*

Oh, and Who would you ship me with?